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EXCERPTS FROM VH1’S UPCOMING “I LOVE THE AUGHTIES, PART ONE”

[a parody]

This week marks the return of VH1’s guilty-pleasure I Love the… series, in this case, the all-new I Love the 80s 3D, airing from 9 to 11 p.m. EST. VH1 also has an I Love the Holidays series scheduled for December. But here at Snobsite, we’ve got an exclusive on the series after that, I Love the Aughties, Part One, scheduled to air some time in 2006. As everyone knows, these last five years have been a font of hilarity, and VH1’s crack team of commentators are ready as usual to tee off on the absurdities of our time. Below are some excerpts of the programs upcoming.

2001
Footage of the World Trade Center towers aflame, smoke trailing from their tops.

Hal Sparks, actor/comedian: I couldn’t help but think that those huge black plumes of smoke billowing off the top of the towers looked kinda like old-school flat-tops—it was like this huge, epic-scale image of Kid ’N Play.

Return to burning-tower footage, this time with Kid ’n Play’s dancing heads superimposed on the towers’ tops, and the song “Rollin’ with Kid ’n Play” playing on the soundtrack.

Stuart Scott, ESPN: And there were those buggin’-out folks who didn’t wanna wait for the towers to fall, who just up and jumped from a hundred stories high.

Cut to footage of bodies landing with a thud in the lobby of Tower One.

Hal Sparks: Kuh-THUMP!

Rachael Harris, comedian: SPLAT!

Mo Rocca, gadfly: P’toomp! P’toomp!

Michael Ian Black, actor/comedian: Somehow, I don’t think this is quite what the Weather Girls had in mind when they sang “It’s Raining Men.”

Return to the falling-bodies footage, this time with video images of the sashaying Weather Girls superimposed, and “It’s Raining Men” playing on the soundtrack.

Godfrey, actor/comedian: They were calling all those firemen brave for running into those buildings. Brave? More like stupid! When you see a million-story building on fire with people jumpin’ out of it, you’re like, “S**t, man! I’m gettin’ the f**k outta here!”

Mug shot of Richard Reid in orange prison jumpsuit. Newsman voice-over: “Authorities detained a man named Richard Reid, who, witnesses say, tried to light the tongue of his sneaker on firebefore being subdued by fellow passengers. Plastic explosives were later found in the lining of his shoes.”

Michael Ian Black: After 9/11, we were all waiting for the other shoe to drop. How delightfully apt, then, that what dropped was, indeed, a shoe.

Dee Snyder, Twisted Sister: Frickin’ Richard Reid, man! Thanks to that skanky dude, I gotta pull off my boots every time I go through airport security! Do you realize what a pain in the ass that is?

2002
Footage of the Bali nightclub bombing. Newsman voice-over: “The Indonesian resort island of Bali is still shaking from two explosions that destroyed a nightclub and claimed dozens of lives…”

Rachael Harris: Why couldn’t Tara Reid and Paris Hilton have been in that club that night?

2003
Time and Newsweek cover images of Private Jessica Lynch. Voice-over of one of Lynch’s West Virginian neighbors proclaiming, “We consider Jessie an all-American hero.”

Donal Logue, actor: Now, Jessica Lynch was hot! I wanted to do her as soon as she got back to America—even if she was wearing a colostomy bag!

Image of George W. Bush walking on the the tarmac in a flight suit, with a voice-over of his speech aboard the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln in which he proclaims, “Major combat operations in Iraq have ended.”

Jamie Lynn Spears, actress/singer: I was only, like, eleven when the Iraq war started, and I had this huge crush on the president, especially when he wore that crotch-hugging flight suit. [Looking to someone off-camera.] Is it so gross that I just said that? [Doubling over with laughter, bobbing in and out of frame, with crew and entourage laughter audible.] Oh my god, I can’t believe I just said that! [Snorts.]

2004
Footage of grieving Spanish people on railway platforms. Newsman voice-over: “The death toll from the March 11 bombings of commuter trains in Madrid has risen to 190…”

Mo Rocca: What the Madrid bombings proved, once and for all, is that Spaniards should stick to riding horses in the grand tradition of Don Quixote.

Montage of photographs of Lynndie England posing with humiliated Iraqi prisoners. Newsman voice-over: “Shocking images of alleged abuse of detained Iraqis at the Abu Ghraib prison have come to light…”

Hal Sparks: Where I come from, arranging a bunch of naked guys into a pyramid at gunpoint isn’t called abuse. It’s called pledge week!

Michael Ian Black: Now, there are some who would argue that stripping a man, placing a sandbag on his head, and attaching electrodes to his naked body is a sick, egregious violation of the Geneva Conventions. Not me, however. Sandbags? Forced striptease? Jumper cables hooked to my ’nads?… Me likey.

Footage of the huge waves and shoreline devastation caused by the Indian Ocean tsunami. Newsman voice-over: “Vacationers and fishermen charged for the shore in terror, trying to elude waves thirty to forty feet high.”

Donal Logue: Tsunami? Isn’t that that Japanese beer that comes in the huge bottle? “Dude, pour me another Tsunami!” [Mimicks getting wiped out by a wave.] “Dude, I said just one!

Rachael Harris: Is it just me, or did anyone else notice Amelia Earhart laid out on the beach alongside all those dead babies?

2005
Footage of smoke and carnage in the London Underground after the July 7 bombings.

Hal Sparks: [superimposed against the footage, clutching a guitar, doing a Joe Strummer imitation] “’Cos London is burning and I… I live by the riv-ah! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-aowww!”

Loni Love, comedian: Damn! Those terrorists even had English accents! They was all like, [plummy accent] “Join me for a suicide bombing and a spot of tea!”

Footage of the water-sodden Lower Ninth Ward in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Godfrey: The Lower! Ninth! Ward! Ohhhhhh, s**t! Just give it up, people! You were in a crappy neighborhood to begin with!

Rachael Harris: Everyone’s like “Where’s Fats Domino? We gotta find Fats Domino!” I’m like, “Fats Domino is alive?

October 25, 2005 More Rock Snobbery »

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