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The Annals of Rock Snobbery

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LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL ROCK SNOBS UNIT

What with the unprecedented cancellation of a Law & Order program looming (the melanin-deficient L&O: Trial by Jury; what, no room for appearances by Ice-T or S. Epatha Merkerson?), we figure this to be a prime moment to offer L&O overlord Dick Wolf a Rock Snob plot twist, gratis.

If you watch the Law & Order shows, you know that the detectives are always able to scare up clues about potential perps by pulling their “financials” (bank statements, ATM and credit-card transactions) and their “LUDs” (“local-usage details” of telephone calls). Well, it goes without saying that Apple keeps records of all purchases made at its iTunes Music Store. So, instead of dumping a suspect’s financials and LUDs, why not dump his iTunes library? The crucial moment of discovery might go like this:

GREEN: When the vic made her call to 9-1-1, the Erma Franklin version of “Piece of My Heart” was playing in the background. Followed by “Popsicles and Icicles” by the Murmaids. Then the line went dead.

FONTANA: Who the hell is Erma Franklin? I thought Big Brother & the Holding Company did that song.

VAN BUREN: Erma? Only the prodigiously talented sister of Aretha, Queen of Soul! And brush up on your history, detective: Erma did “Piece of My Heart” first.

GREEN: Right! And it gets better: We dumped the iTunes records of everyone who purchased both “Piece of My Heart” and “Popsicles and Icicles” in the tri-state area in the last two years. We only got four hits, two of them on the Upper West Side. And get this: Missing Persons just got a call from WFMU–one of their deejays, who lives on West 83rd Street, hasn’t shown up for work today.

FONTANA: Missing Persons! Now there was a hot group! Dale Bozzio was one gorgeous broad!

May 16, 2005 More Rock Snobbery »

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